its over for more than a week...

Its been slightly over a week since Ye has passed on...
I watched Ye slowly drawing his last breathe then to totally stop breathing.

I watched him lying still in his coffin, every day till he was cremated.
I cried buckets during the 1st few nights.
When I went back to work, everyone said I looked very down and haggard. :(
I felt the same inside. I felt very down too tho' I did try to make an effort to smile more and to hide my pain. But I guessed it still shows.

I am finally getting some sleep. Not sure if its due to pure tiredness after so many consecutive nights of not much sleep. Am down with cold but so is Vera and hubby.

Finally coming to terms that Ye is not here anymore...

Ye is gone...

Ye has passed away peacefully on 12 March...

with his passing - I learnt that no matter how mentally prepared you are for the demise of a loved one, you can never be mentally prepared enough.

Grandma is taking it well. better than any1 of us thought.
That is good.

I pray that Ye is in a better place.
A place where there is no more pain, no more suffering, no more sickness, no more worries.
A place where he can be free, beautiful and happy.

I am glad that I have the chance to say I Love you, Ye.
I am glad to have the chance to ease some of your worries.
I don't hate him anymore, Ye.
I meant that when I told you y'day before you left.

Thank you for your love and care.
Thank you for being there for me.
Thank you for being a better dad than my own dads will ever be.
Thank you for loving me like your own daughter
and for standing up to him whenever he was unreasonable.
I love you, Ye.
You will always have a special place in my heart.

Wherever you are, don't worry about us.
We will take care of ourselves knowing that you'll always be with us in our hearts.

An outing - Evolution Gardens

Brought our girls out to Evolution Garden last Sat...
before you ask where the heck is that - its part of Botanical Gardens.
Our 1st time there as well.

We bought breakfast, drinks and some snacks.
Then had a mini picnic in the garden.
quite a nice feeling... :)

took some pics too!

Anytime Now???

bro sms me abt2 days ago.
said grandpa has this respiratory bug that is resistant to antibiotics.
then today, I get another sms.
grandpa's condition is critical...
we are all guessing should be soon.
The doc had initially told us within 3 months' and it seemed that it is like what he said...

I was just telling dh y'day that I felt that all these while, grandpa is hanging on cos of grandma.
He cant let go cos he's afraid no one will look after her.
His strength/ will power to struggle on came from his love for her.
(I wish and pray that my hubby will love me this much too....)
But I wont want him to suffer cos of me...

altho' we have had some time now to prepare for this...
still - it hurts... it hurts bad.

I pray hard that grandpa's departure would be a painless one.
He has suffered enough.

Argh! Engorgement

Argh!!!! Bad Engorgement and cracked nipples...
Pain! Pain! Pain!

sigh... of late I am getting very very very little ebm...
expressing is getting more and more depressing. :(
With letdown, I am only getting about 2 ounces from both sides!

V seemed to have change the way she nurse. Thus, I am often with cracked nipples now.
*sob sob*
To compound to that, I get engorgement on/off on my right boob...
*boo hoo*

My right nipple seemed to be "blocked" I cant seem to be able to get more ebm out of it.
But when Vera nurse direct, I felt that she seemed to be able to get more??

Is there something wrong with my pump or is it just me??!!